So for the first time in a very long time – on Tuesday as a matter of fact – I felt NORMAL. I don’t know how else to describe it, but when I woke up, I was fully present, in my skin, in my circumstances, in my life.
And it was a BEAUTIFUL day!
It’s been so. very. long. since I have felt even the slightest tinge of “normal.” Maintaining, yep. Surviving, sure. Even close to Positive. But NORMAL? Well, I haven’t seen or felt normal in too long.
Been taking antidepressant (for postpartum depression, which just fell right into regular depression) for about 9 months. The past 2 months I missed a few doses here and there, and then I just forgot to take them. It got dark for awhile – you’re not supposed to just go “cold turkey” with antidepressants, but I feel like I’ve come out of the dark!
It felt good. I could think clearly. I made plans and followed through. I thought about important things, needful things, and God walked with me through the day.
I’m excited and sharing this with you because it’s a New Day for me now.
Roy & I had been talking some recently – more than we have in awhile – about the miscarriage we had in 2009. A LOT of stuff has happened in our lives since then, and that was pretty major. But I didn’t really get to process our loss much because of the other stuff. I grieved. But I didn’t feel it out. I just put it on the back burner while other more pressing circumstances shook my world and got my attention.
And as my heart and mind have come back to NORMAL, it’s as though God allowed thoughts of our baby to come into my mind.
I don’t know if you’ve ever suffered a miscarriage, but I can tell you that having a miscarriage after experiencing an abortion 25 years ago – well, the loss felt the same. The emptiness felt the same. I knew the very second the baby no longer lived inside me, before any evidence of such. The only difference was the guilt & shame were non-existent this time around.
Still, we had talked at the time about things we wanted to do – how we could memorialize our baby. But nothing panned out.
And so this week after having a few brief conversations about it, I asked Roy if he could tell me whether or not he felt like we’d lost a boy or a girl. (When I went through the recovery process from my abortion, this was a very important step because it allowed me to NAME my child, and in this way, I could remember and memorialize her in a real way.)
Roy said he felt like it was a girl. I had too. So then we kinda broached the subject of names. And we agreed upon one.
Looking back at my pregnancies, I have been able to name every child (whether or not I actually chose the name). Each child has a name and a place in my heart. And this baby finally does too.
Meet Sairah Faith.
Now, our girls have the “ai” thing going on in their names. And Little Man has the “S” name thing going on – only after we settled on the name could I see how her name bridged between the girls and the boy we are blessed with. For me, at least for me, I saw how God gave us a bridge. It is part of a pattern that means something to me.
That’s how personal God can be!
“Sarah” means “Princess” which is appropriate, don’t you think? And Faith – well, that’s just a reminder for me of how God has been faithful through a lot of storms.
I don’t know if the feeling normal helped with selecting a name, or if selecting a name has allowed me to feel normal – I haven’t figured that part out yet. But God has poured out his grace over me and I feel swallowed up in a big frothy cup of it, swimming away.
There’s more to this story, but this is what I could share for now. Thanks for reading!