Brokenness…

June is here, and I’ve met it with fear and trepidation. Midterms are enough to make me crazy right now, but compound that with a couple of cases of Strep Throat and menstrual cramps that have more often than not feel like labor – well, it’s not fun.

On top of that the van needs brakes (new trouble), the IRS is (at least) working with us on payments for the audited amount to pay in, Roy’s work place has been “difficult” to say the very least, and my MRI results should tell me what kind of problems we’re looking at with my ankle.

June is also Mikhael’s birthday month – great cause for celebration. And there is always a bittersweetness to the day that I can’t really describe.

June is also the anniversary of my abortion. Another great sadness that affects me even when I don’t want it to, although not complicated by guilt and shame anymore…

June is also the month that our baby would likely have been born. And I’m feeling it. Every day I’m feeling the loss. Maybe the baby would have been born in July – but probably in June since I tend to go early… But our miscarriage in November changed things. And this month – well, it’s just plain hard.

I’m not writing this looking for sympathy. There isn’t a whole lot anyone can say or do to fix our brakes or make our IRS payments or change the circumstances we’re in.

I’m writing this because it’s REAL. It’s where I’m at. And while I’m feeling discouraged and beaten down – I am reminded in Psalms that God doesn’t forsake His children.

I’m reminded in Job that despite our limited understanding, God is ultimately in control, and the enemy can ONLY wreak havoc with God’s permission.

And I’m reminded in Isaiah and Jeremiah that God is faithful and enduring and can take any circumstance – and bring glory to our lives in spite of it. And if I’m yielding to Him, the circumstance can bring glory to God.

And I’m reminded in I Peter that our sufferings here are NOTHING compared to the glory of heaven, and the glory that will be revealed in us…

While I may struggle to understand or trust – HE is IN CONTROL. My struggle or lack of trust does not change HIM. My circumstances may feel like the Titanic – and right now they do – but God is bigger than any iceberg.

I’m not alone. I have a good friend who is dealing with a daughter who is pretty sick, facing a tonsillectomy (and as a mom with 3 girls, when do you get to stop???), and was in the ER over the weekend with a suspected ovarian cyst…

I don’t want to lift my head up again – but I want to shake my fist at the enemy who likely has something to do with some of our circumstances and say “Hahaha! Stuff really stinks right now and I don’t like it. But guess what? YOU LOSE. You can make me suffer and hurt now, but I get to watch you be bound and tossed into a bottomless pit for 1000 years. And you’d better believe that I’m gonna enjoy it!”

Until then, I’ll pray. And fall down. And get up and cry out to God. And pray that I can stay faithful despite my circumstances…

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