So – this last week was a week to remember. It was one of those weeks where my every desire to be a wife and mom was challenged at every front. It was not easy. I can admit that I did not handle all or most situations with dignity or patience or peace or tolerance. I did a lot of yelling, a lot of crying, a lot of steaming, a lot of walking. The walking was probably my best response, but came too little too late in many instances.
There is no reasoning with a toddler. Sometimes, there is no reasoning with a husband, either. That’s just the way it is. So Marriage and Motherhood were gory. Some days I felt like I was behind the cannon firing off rounds; other days, I felt like I was left trampled and bleeding on the battleground. All in all, more of my weaknesses, more of my flaws, more of my selfishness, more of my insecurities, more of my immaturity was revealed.
But after having a minor nervous breakdown, the air is continuing to clear, and so is my vision. My husband is not the insensitive ogre I sometimes imagine him to be; nor is he a saint without flaw; instead, he IS a King with the occasional chink in his armor, and despite my really dramatic cries for help, he tries to listen and tries to step in and pick up where he thinks he can help.
This week was Mikhael’s 20th birthday (see my adoption page). That day – well, that day I spent most of the day crying. I haven’t spent his birthday crying in a very long time, and it was boggling and inexplicable, so I just cried when I need to and thought of him most of the day. It’s a very odd feeling I have when I think about Mikhael.
On one hand, I have this primitive, gutwrenching protective feeling that knows if asked to, I would step in front of a train to save him. On the other hand, because I did not raise him, there is this (obvious?) sense of detachment and distance that means I don’t want to press in too hard in his life. I won’t infringe on his relationship with his mom – and even if I tried don’t imagine it could happen. But I don’t want to push in and find I’m not welcome. That’s where it lays. I’m torn. I have 2 small girls who are with me – who are present and needy and right here; and I have this grown up son who probably doesn’t need me in the sense that a child needs a parent, and so I’m left with some question as to how I fit and where. And that makes me cautious, tentative, hesitant in approaching him. In really investing myself in him.
Is this something that all parents experience, even with the children they’ve raised? I don’t really know yet. But it’s something I need to push through in myself – not just for me. For Mikhael. For his 2 little sisters who will one day, God willing, be 20 – and I pray to God that I am not fearful anymore for any of them.
Do you EVER stop feeling insecure? I don’t know. Do you ever stop wanting so much for your children? Probably not.
So – gory or glorious – parenthood is what it is, and I need to step into whatever my role is and not be doubtful of my place. Cuz this is where God put me.