Is it breaking some sort of Blogging Code of Ethics to copy & paste the same personal blog article on 3 different sites? If so, please feel free to press charges and have me locked up – I could use a good night’s rest…
So my girls have pretty well taken me through some very high highs and some very low lows in the past month. From Christmas until now we’ve had cases of prolific stomach flu, outrageous temper tantrums, incredibly entertaining humorisms, heart-meltingly sweet cuddles, icky lab tests, sticky blood work and yukky hospitalization, intense incidents of the ever unpopular “poop-art” and many other things. I don’t think I’ve ever washed so many dishes, even considered the number of diapers that one human being can produce, or done so many loads of laundry in a consecutive couple of years as I’ve done in the past 6 months.
I’ve never felt so amazing as a woman and so low as a human being – and this is only the beginning of my career as a mom.
Truth to tell, there are moments I actually consider running away from it all. Not forever – and probably not even more than a couple of hours – just long enough to take a deep breath, shake off the burden of never-ending responsibilities, slowly sip a Venti Iced Peppermint White Mocha while having someone give me a pedicure – and just be me. ME. The Me that likes to read.
Read whatever I can get my hands on – the back of a cereal box, an old tabloid newspaper, an 800 page novel, my psychology text book… Even while brushing my teeth and sitting on the toilet…
Don’t get me wrong – I’d throw myself in front of a bus to save either one of my girls – and I’d stalk and maliciously torture the person who dared hurt them in any semi-serious way (lest one should forget my dad was a USMC drill instructor and served 3 tours in Viet Nam and I’m a quick learner…)
But there are times when I wish I could just put everything in my home life on PAUSE and go spend a weekend without the slightest worry or concern that someone needs a bottle/popsicle/fruit snack/juice cup(because it got dumped all over the bed)/diaper change (again!)/bath/another change of clothes(didn’t we just do this?)/hug/kiss…
Wait a minute. Giving up the hugs & kisses and “I lub you” even for a couple of hours can make me feel disconnected and less important somehow. As much as I LOVE going into work – I miss those moments with my girls when I’m gone. Those funny moments when my 2 year old sticks up her thumb and says “proud of you” because I matched my socks today or confidently declares “People like me” because they all wave or say hi to her in return to her greeting… Or when my 6 month old reaches with both hands to grab my face and pull me to her for a slobbery, gummy kiss, and teases me with the beginnings of saying “ma-ma”. Or even when the 3 of us lay on the living room floor together to “talk” because that seems like fun to them.
Being a mom makes me feel more schizophrenic than anything else in my life. In the space of 5 minutes I can be proud and perplexed, astonished and amazed, horrified and discouraged, and feel more love than I ever dreamed possible. So, as I drag myself off to bed tonight – I’m gonna check to see that each one of my babies is tucked in, snuggled up with their favorite stuffed toy or blankie – and thank GOD that I get to be a mom,
even if it kills me…
I wrote this last night after taking a psychology test before going to bed. It was after midnight when I finally got to bed, and fell asleep – only to awaken at 3 am to Princess Curly who was CONVINCED it was time to get up and go to her Mamaw’s house. She wouldn’t go back to sleep – screamed & cried & dropped to the floor if we asked her to do ANYTHING other than what she wanted to do. Roy tried to comfort her, but she was un-comforting for a long while. Of course, Princess Georgie (formerly Droolah) woke up with all the screaming (both Curly’s and mine), at which point I wanted to cry. After seeing me rocking with Georgie, Curly needed me to rock her to and Roy staggered back to bed.
Taking about an hour to tend to both girls and finally just LEAVING Curly in her bed to fall asleep on her own after laying with her for a little bit – I had enough time to toss & turn and toss some more before falling asleep approximately 5 minutes before the alarm went off. I woke up with a severe headache and after getting up to make sure the coats & carseat covers I’d washed & dried the night before were ACTUALLY dry, I realized I could barely walk up & down the stairs, never mind get 3 of us ready and drive myself to work. So I had to email my boss and tell him I’d be late. (SIGH!)
Roy grabbed me and hugged me and said I was such a good mom and then prayed over me with my head pulled to his chest asking God to give me strength to meet the day. I almost cried it was so sweet and so tender and I needed that SO MUCH! And then I dragged myself back to bed for another half hour before Jabberbox woke up. I took my time getting ready because I needed to – and eventually got the girls to Mamaw’s and myself to work.
I read my cousin Shanna’s myspace blog about the birth of her baby girl, Lydia, who was delivered at home unexpectedly into Shanna’s hands – what an amazing moment that must have been. And it made me happy. Don’t ever let anyone tell you kids are nothing but fun – I have found them to be mostly hard work – but the love you get in return, the awe they inspire, the faith they demand, the trust in God they require – it’s all worth it. Even if I am barely able to keep my eyes open. I still can’t wait to get home and hug my girls. And my handsome husband who loves me & encourages & supports me every day.